Who Am I
by xxlovely
Summary: "And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down? That no one else could love you half as much as I do now... And who am I to tell you, I'll always catch you when you fall ? Well, I, I wouldn't be myself at all ." DONNA/HARVEY ONE SHOT. SONG: Who Am I- Will Young.


**A/N: Please read the lyrics before reading the story. cheers!**

_Sometimes you know you push me so hard _

_I don't know how I feel_

_ You almost make me doubt I feel at all_

_It's not as though I always listen_

_ But there's just so much I don't hear _

_Maybe I'll never be what you want_

_I know that all you're asking for Is a little place in my heart_

_ But I don't find it easy to give_

_Maybe I get a little selfish sometimes _

_Why shouldn't I? _

_I used to say I love you _

_But would it make a difference this time?_

_And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down _

_That no one else could love you half as much as I do now_

_ And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall _

_Well, I, I wouldn't be myself at all I wouldn't be myself at all, at all_

_I always find a reason Why I didn't put you first _

_It's not that complicated I know_

_I really hate it when you shake your head _

_Like this ain't gonna work_

_ Maybe you'll never reap what you sow_

_I didn't want to do what everybody does _

_And hide the truth to find we never knew a thing about love_

_ 'Cos this is real life, real love _

_And knowing what it comes down to _

_It just might be enough_

**_Who Am I- Will Young_**

* * *

He watched her grab her coat off of the back of her chair, her eyes darting to meet his as she gave him a stern, unimpressed, yet sad look, her lips pursed together in a tight line as she shook her head. He sat frozen to the chair, unable to move as she stormed away, down the corridor, and no doubt back to her apartment. He sighed, running his hand down his face as he found himself staring at the spot where until five minutes ago, she was sitting happily, joking away with him. Grabbing the tumbler of scotch from beside him, he raised the glass to his lips, letting the liquid momentarily mask his emotional conflict, a perfect distraction from the reality he couldn't quite understand.

How had everything done a complete 180 in the space of a few minutes? One second they were laying down on the sofa in his office, gossiping about their day, the next she was storming out of Pearson Specter, face like thunder, ready to break down in tears at any moment. He had no idea how things had escalated so quickly, after all, all she asked was "what are we?"

_What are we?_ It was an ambiguous question at the very least, a question up to vast interpretation and because Harvey had failed to come up with a suitable answer in an acceptable time frame, she had formed her own answer from his lack of response and left.

Harvey and Donna had a...complicated relationship, and at the very best of times you could say it was almost endearing how the two of them were so oblivious to what the rest of the world saw, but the rest of the time? Well that was just frustrating. Tension had been building between the two of them for as long as they could remember, from the days of the DA's office to Pearson Hardman and now Pearson Specter, but it wasn't until the whole ordeal with Logan Sanders and Gillis industries that things really took a new direction.

Harvey had come to realize that he really didn't have a lot of people in this City that he could trust, and one of the very few, was trying to destroy him and his client, using every trick that he had taught him. Ultimately he knew that he would always see Mike Ross as a friend, but he was not one to let his emotions get in the way of a case, and with the amount of money at stake, Mike didn't blame him. Night after night Harvey would sit in his office, looking over every fine detail, desperate to find something that he hadn't seen before, that Mike hadn't seen, but he knew the likelihood of striking gold was becoming increasingly unlikely. After all, the kid was good, probably even better than Harvey, but you would never hear him admitting that. Donna had watched him constantly from the comfort of her chair, as something changed in the man. Harvey Specter had always been loyal to people he cared for, but she had never seen him try so goddamn hard to find an alternative way of winning without destroying Mike Ross' life.

For the first time in 12 years, she saw a glimpse of the man she had always dreamed he'd be, that she had always known he'd been, just never seen properly. So when he asked her for dinner for the millionth time, she finally said yes. He found it hard to hide his surprise, as he jokingly asked her out, ready for her to say no yet again. It had become this ongoing joke between the two of them, a simple fact that Harvey had learnt to live with for all these years as he secretly loved her from a far, from the other side of the invisible wall she had constructed between them. But he never complained, he never said anything, because if he did, he would have probably stuttered like a nervous teenager, said the wrong thing, and would watch sadly as she packed up her belongings and left Pearson Specter for good.

There were a 101 reasons why Harvey and Donna couldn't be together; he was selfish, self -absorbed, addicted to the job, not to mention so emotionally stunted that most people often wondered if he had the ability to show any other emotion than a debatable mix of confidence and arrogance. She was high maintenance, sarcastic, stubborn, attractive and she knew all too well. They were always destined to clash, but for some reason, for the last decade that's worked for them. On paper they looked like the world's worst match, but in reality, no one had seen two people more suited for one another; they cancelled out one another's flaws and only accentuated their strengths. Their only problem? How oblivious they were to one another's feelings.

That one dinner, led to a string of secret dates and a surprise viewing of Donna's play before she couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on between them. Harvey was an international ladies man, he liked the company of beautiful women and he wasn't afraid to initiate something between them, unless that beautiful woman was Donna. She had waited patiently, wondering when he was going to make a move, to progress from the off touch on the bag, or squeeze of the hand to something a less PG13. But he never did.

She remembers his face the night that shit had hit the fan with Louis at the firm, he was a mess, but she tried not to care, for once in her goddamn life she was going to put herself before Harvey Specter, even if it secretly killed her inside.

_"__Where are you going?"_ He asked, sounding surprised as she packed her stuff up for the night. She couldn't go home, not when all of this was happening, was she insane?

She half shrugged _"I have a date."_ She was about to turn away when she noticed him gulp harshly, nodding curtly, his lips pursed together tightly. It bothered him.

"_Have fun_" he dismissed, pretending not to care as he tried to crack some wise joke at her expense, but she saw through him, it was one of her many talents.

She convinced herself that what she was about to do was for the sake of the firm, for the sake of Louis rather than the man sitting in the glass encased office a matter of meters away from him, she cancelled her date. She felt her blood boil, her hands ball into a fist as he smirked to himself as soon as he realized what she had done, a smug look that she wanted to wipe off of his perfectly formed face. She took a few deep breaths, finding some menial work to busy herself with, to distract her from looking over her cubicle, but it was no use. Despite the amount of stress he was under with Louis, Sean Cahill and Jessica, he still kept that annoyingly goofy grin on his face.

"_That's it" _she huffed, pushing her chair away from her desk as she strutted into his office, her hip swaying from side to side. "_You're a smug son of a bitch, you know that right."_

He set his pen on the desk, as he looked up at her, trying to neutralize his expression "_I've been called that in the past, yes."_

She inhaled and exhaled, her chest heaving as she strode towards him, moving his chair so she was directly in front of him "_You're enjoying this, aren't you?"_

He put his hands up and shrugged "_Am I currently finding it amusing that you're losing your shit in front of me for no reason? Yeah it's probably the highlight of my day"_

She let out a shaky breath, unable to keep her composure much longer as she leant towards him, her face a matter of centimeters from his, her warm minty breath fanning across his face "_Why don't you just say it Harvey? Why don't you just come out and say it."_

He leant back in his chair, cocking his head to the side as he raised his eyebrow "_Say what Donna?"_

_"__That you're glad my date just fell through. Because you're into me. For once in your goddamn life, why don't you say what you really feel!" _She exclaimed, her face red with frustration as she waited for an answer. "_You can't even say it._" she shook her head "_Whatever Harvey."_ She took a step back, pushing herself away from him as she turned around to leave only to be stopped my a strong hand gripping her wrist. She didn't have chance to interject as he spun her around, pulling her towards him as he crashed his lips against hers, answering her question in the only way that he could.

They had kissed several times over the years they had own each other, mostly under the influence of alcohol, but there was something about that kiss that caused a shift in perspective for the two of them. Three months had passed since their kiss in his office and discarding of Donna's 'rule' as the two of them secretly continued to see each other.

People had noticed the change in them; but no one dared to question it. Harvey had become a little less uptight, a little more tolerant and generally more pleasant to be around. Donna on the other hand had curbed her flirtatious always around the office, stopped gossiping (only a little) and laid off of Thursday night Happy hours at the bar down the road.

They were smitten, and the secrecy surrounding their relationship only brought them closer, to the point where they were only apart for the maximum of a few hours at any one time. They were well and truly in the honeymoon phase, both agreeing not to dwell on the past or what life would have been like if they had manned up and done something all those years ago, but everything good, has to come to an end.

Deciding that no more work was going to get done and that Donna probably needed some space, he left work as Ray took him back to his Condo, ready for a stiff drink and an early night. Shrugging his jacket off of his shoulders, he twisted his key in the lock, opening the door to a dimly lit apartment, the only source of light coming from a small lamp in the corner of the living room area. He scrunched up his face in confusion, knowing full well that there were no lights on when he left for work this morning. "Donna?" he called out, his voice travelling through the open planned condo. He closed the door, taking a few steps towards the source of light as he saw her, curled up on the sofa, with puffy red eyes staring out at the New York City skyline. "Donna?" he sat down as she remained silent, his hand reaching for her knee, her body stiffening under his touch.

She didn't know why she was here, mentally wishing that she decided to jump on a train and just go home, rather than trekking up to Central Park to his place for no doubt 'Round #2 of Harvey is a heartless ass'. He got up to turn the main light on, as he sucked in a breath at just how upset she looked, his stomach flipping uneasily as guilt consumed him.

"I'm sorry." he admitted quietly as he stood before her, passing her a small glass of scotch.

Her eyes flickered between the glass and his face, debating which one deserved her attention more. "What are you sorry for Harvey?" she asked, playing dumb, wanting to know if he knew the reason why she left, or whether he was simply apologizing to avoid confrontation.

"For making you sad."

She scoffed out a laugh, pitying his lack of common sense and observation at times. Harvey Specter was an incredibly talented and intelligent man, but sometimes, he was as thick as a brick. "Ten bonus points if you tell me why I'm sad."

"Err" he stumbled over his words, drawing a blank, he had no idea. He wouldn't say it out loud at the risk of being kicked in the groin, but as far as he was concerned, If Donna hadn't jumped to conclusions and stormed off in a hormonal rage, they wouldn't be in this current situation. "I don't know."

"I just wanted you to be honest Harvey." She sighed, shaking her head sadly "I just wanted to know what we are? Colleagues, friends, lovers, something more?" He tensed up, not wanting to answer "I'm on the wrong side of 35 Harvey, neither of us are getting any younger, and i cant keep playing these games like some eighteen year old with no care in the world, I deserve it to myself to finally get my shit together."

"Donna" he said her name for the thousandth time, pacing the room "we're good as we are, why do we have to put pressure on ourselves and label it?" he reasoned, trying to buy himself some time.

"We're good?" she echoed incredulously "you think this is good Harvey?" she gave him a pointed look "Look at me, I've been reduced to a paranoid mess. I don't do insecurities Harvey, I'm Donna Paulsen for crying out loud, I make people insecure."

He took a large swig of scotch as she continued "It's not hard Harvey, It's not like I'm asking you to get on one knee and propose, I'm asking you whether or not you see a future in this. If this is just a fling, then tell me so I can move on and find someone who wants to be with me, who loves _me. _But if you _do_ want to give this a go, then just say it, because we both know how good we are together."

He ran this hand through his hair, downing the rest of his drink "why are you so desperate for an answer all of a sudden?" He was freaking out, he didn't do emotional talks. Hell, the last time he tried to have the 'what are we talk' he watched Scottie walk out of his life for good. He knew how felt, but he couldn't form them into words, his brain refusing the simple courtesy of speech.

"I understand." She got up, jumping to conclusions once again as he wanted to reach out for her, to tell her to just shut up and chill out for a second, to let him get his head around everything.

He stopped pacing, his chest tightening as he felt her slipping out of his grip "Donna" he breathed, looking at her through conflicted eyes.

"No Harvey" she half shrugged, smiling at how stupid she had been all this time "I knew this wouldn't work." He took a step towards her as she took a step back, recoiling as she wrapped her arms protectively around herself.

"Donna" he repeated, unable to form any response besides her name.

"Do you even love me Harvey? Or am I just your hot available secretary?" He watched as her face crumbled as the words left her lips, her bottom lip quivering as she prepared herself for the answer. He opened and closed his mouth, his brain running wild as he begged his mouth to form a coherent response. Of course he loved Donna, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that the woman standing in front of him was the one for him. "Because i stupidly love you." she threw her hands in the air.

He froze, trying to process her words as he let them sink in. She cursed herself for letting her guard down, for ultimately confessing her true feelings in the middle of an argument. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, she thought, they were over the mind games, the tip toeing around one another, they were finally going to act like adults. But she was, telling Harvey she loved him for the first time, in the midst of fight that would no doubt mark the end of them. "I'm just gonna go Harvey" she said void of emotion "I'll see you at work Monday" she plastered her best fake smile on her face, wordlessly walking towards his door.

Harvey finally found his voice "Don't you dare walk out on me" he bellowed, bouncing off of the walls as she stopped dead in her tracks, her breath hitching in her throat his tone. "Don't you _dare"_ his voice softened, almost pleading as she turned around slowly, tears silently rolling down her face. "You do not get to push me into a corner, and then leave me."

"Harvey" she sighed, feeling too dejected to continue this conversation that was only going to end up at a dead end.

"No Donna" he stated firmly, telling her that she was going to listen to what he had to say now. "This" he said, pointing between the two of them "this isn't a crappy rom-com on Netflix, this is real life. You know me better than any one else, I'm not going to wake up one morning and be Prince Charming, I'm me. I'm emotionally inept, I often say the wrong things, and on occasion I forget that there's anybody else in the world besides me. I don't do emotions because I don't know _how_" he admitted, biting his lip. She dropped her bag on the sofa, taking a step towards him. "I may not be the man you deserve, and there's a chance that when you need me, I may be a little late, and I may even call you a hypochondriac and tell you to man up, but don't you dare walk away from me."

His shoulders slumped "I _need you_ Donna. Over the years you've wormed your way into my life, and now well, you've wormed your way into my heart too." he wanted to cringe at his words, sounding so foreign coming from his mouth, but it didn't mean they were any less true. "Look, what I'm trying to say is..."he paused, getting his words straight "that I not show you it in the most conventional way, but you're the one i want by my side through thick or thin. You're it Donna, and I'm not letting you go."

She tried to hide the smile forming on her lips as her tears of sadness subsided, knowing that the speech she had just heard translated into 'I love you' in Harvey Specter language. He closed the gap between them, wrapping his strong muscular arms around her as he buried his head in her neck, shamelessly inhaling her signature perfume that he loved on her so much "You're going to give me grey hairs one day Specter" she mumbled against his chest, smiling.

He raised an eyebrow looking down at her "It's about time you caught up. You've been giving them to me since 2006."

She gasped, feigning offence as she got on her tiptoes to place a quick peck on mouth, smiling against his lips as he tried to pull her back for more.

"So, was that our first argument?" Harvey asked, still a little hazy on recent events, and too scared to say the wrong thing, just in case a repeat performance was in store.

She smiled, playing with the hem of his Harvard sweatshirt, not looking at him. Letting out a sigh she replied "Technically its our 234,438th argument, but it's our first official argument as a couple."

"Can we never do that again please" he joked, but was secretly serious, pulling her closer to him.

"Harvey" she laughed "that's like asking God to stop practicing religion"

"Hmmm" he mused, swaying her from side to side "I do like to think of myself as a God, and if i recall it is one of your favorite names to call me in the bedroom."

"Harvey!" she exclaimed, pulling away as she hit him on the chest, looking shocked. He laughed "Can you not lower the tone for one minute? It's tacky."

"Tacky? I'm goddamn sexy, and i refuse to accept that statement on the grounds that your nose is growing like Pinocchio right now."

She subconsciously touched her nose and pouted, "You know how self conscious I get about my nose" she whined, referring to her unfortunate incident back in high school when she became a victim of a human pyramid.

He kissed the tip of her nose "I'd still love you if you had a nose the size of the empire state building."

"No you wouldn't!"

He half shrugged, a smirk forming on his lips "You're right, I wouldn't, but it was still a pretty cute thing for me to say right?"

"God, you're frustrating."

"There you are calling me God again, I love how high you think of me."

She threw her hands in the air, the man was impossible. She turned around as she walked away from him, towards his bedroom, not looking back once. "If you don't shut up and get in here in the next 30 seconds, the only person you'll be calling God tonight, is your left hand."

* * *

**Oh man. So I kinda found my ipod yesterday and as i was going through the songs, i would open up tabs on my ipad for lyrics for possible one shots. I have 40 songs. So you know, a lot of one shots coming your way amongst my other stories. My laptop comes home tomorrow/Sunday/Monday, which has the final instalment of CTBOP and the next one of Maps so hang on tight!**

**You know what to do, read and review. Love me or hate me. **

**Check out my other one shots.**

**Show me some SEERRRRIOUS LOVE and I will rewrite the final chapter of CTBOP and post it tomorrow so you dont have to wait.**


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